I woke up in the middle of the night last night re-writing one of my paragraphs in my head. I just kept hearing the same sentence repeating over and over again in my dream until I woke up.
These days, I either go to bed at 9pm and wake up at 2am unable to fall back asleep, or I stay up working till 2, and am unable to fall asleep. When I wake Up at 2, I usually end up working then napping through the morning. I wake back up around noon, work till 2am the next day, and then I’m up at 9 and working again the following day. It’s an unhealthy cycle, but as a colleague said to me the other day, “you’re in your qualifying exam, so you shouldn’t be sleeping.” I’m exhausted, but when I go to bed, I toss and I turn and I think for about 3 hours before I fall asleep. I tried whiskey tonight, that didn’t help. Here I lay, typing this update.
Side note: Mark is so used to me getting up in the middle of the night and going to the living room to work, that when I went up to go to the bathroom a while ago, I came back and he took my pillow and was cuddling it in my absence. I started laughing and said, “hey, I just went to the bathroom, give me my pillow back!”
On a positive note, I actually feel like I can meet my deadline. I’ve made a lot of progress. There’s still a ton more reading and writing to do, but it seems manageable. I’m less worried about finishing now, and more worried about the quality. Will I have the time to answer these questions as thoroughly as I want to?
A friend keeps saying not to worry about the time too much, but I don’t think she understands me. I always worry about time. I’ve always worried about time. I’m not a laid back person. I speed even when I’m not late. I run around always chasing the clock with no where to go. It’s in my nature. This isn’t about meeting a deadline, or assimilating to the capitalistic notion of efficiency (well maybe that’s part of the way I’ve been conditioned). This is who I am.
I also secretly know I do well under pressure, so even though I feel like I’m moving slowly now, I know that those 19 days after I return from Paris will be my most productive. Oh, 19 days? Wait. Let me count that again. Wow. That’s the first time I’ve counted them. I have 19 days from the day I return from Paris. I might be in better shape than I thought…
I’m glad I decided to write this, I might be able to fall asleep now after all!